Thoughts
by Rozz
Summary: Short thing about the sabattical. Yes, there are spoilers. This has been sitting on my computer for some time, now, and I am clearing it out. R&R to make me happy, which is crucial!


Thoughts 

A/N- Sara's POV Starting with Leaving Las Vegas, Some episodes are skipped, because I couldn't come up with anything for them. Thanks for reading, R&R please!!!

4/18/07- Hey, sorry, but I just got time to clean out my computer. I'm so tired I can't do anything else, but I can't sleep. My brain is wired, but my body isn't Say thanks to my little girl for kicking my butt to get this out.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I just found out two days before. I wasn't about to tell him and make him stay here. That would be wrong. He needed this, I could see it. I couldn't tell him. He told me a week before he left, and that it wasn't about me. Talk about short notice.

Then he had to say it. 'I'll miss you'. It was a rule not to talk about anything personal at work. That was just the way it works, and he broke it. The number one rule he broke. I might have broken rule two of no lying or secrets, but he broke the most important. It was so important that he broke rule one. Because it hurt. It hurt. I almost broke down there, at work, in the locker room, with him standing right there.

But I couldn't do that, I had to keep myself together, because then everything would come out. Two days before, when I was standing in the bathroom, just standing there, because of one test. Just one test and everything fell apart. Does he even want kids? Came to my mind over and over. What if he didn't? Then what would I do? What if he rejected us?

I guess I never told him because he had the power to break my heart. If I told him, I was afraid that he might never come back.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I heard when he returned and even volunteered to go do a garbage dump so that I wouldn't be there when he returned. It gave me time to think while I did mindless sorting of other people's junk.

I smelled so bad when I got back to the lab. I could even smell myself from down the hall. I was thinking about how to tell him and hoping that he wouldn't see me at work, when I heard him calling my name. Damnit, I hadn't known he was in his office.

I turned around to see him staring at me. THAT stare. His stare. The 'I want you here and now' stare. I couldn't help but smile as I mumbled something about obviously being at a garbage dump because I REEKED.

I almost broke rule one by saying something stupid, but I caught myself by saying he looked good. Not that it was much better. I had to back up as I walked away because if I stopped, he WOULD kiss me, and then would have me there and then. He would have to wait, or else he would get us both in trouble.

He had to mention the cocoon that I had received from him. Damn it. Sure, I had put it in his office, but because everytime I saw it, it reminded me of him, and how I would have to face him, and tell him. I would end up feeling sad and guilty. I didn't like feeling that way, so I had to keep it at work. That way, I could just work through my feelings. Everything would be fine.

Turning around I had the ultimate feeling of betrayal then, and why the hell didn't I tell him. 'I'll see you later.' He didn't make it a question, because both of us knew that it wasn't one. I left to take my shower and sort my mind out before the aformentioned 'later'. We needed to talk.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Before I could say anything we had some of our own time. It had been so long, and afterwards, we both fell asleep until the start of next shift.

I had planned to tell him about it after shift, but then Grissom opened the box. And there was another miniature. When I was going over the video with him, he looked so overworked. Drained. Troubled. He didn't need my problems on top of it. He was having a hard enough time finding out that Ernie Dell was, in fact, not the MCSK, but trying to protect the real one. We had no leads, no more evidence, and he just needed his rest.

I couldn't bring myself to tell him. Not until he was feeling better.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

So, we went to shift and worked another case. We had come home when he had asked if I wanted to shave his beard. I found it...I little odd at first, but then figured that it was some sort of sign. I agreed and when I was about to start I asked if he trusted me.

'Intimately'. Sure, not the yes or no I expected, but I could look in his eyes and see that he wasn't lying. He wasn't allowed to lie. Like I was lieing. I had told him everything was fine. When he had returned and asked if I was okay and if everything was fine, I nodded, sure, yeah, everything is fine. Nothings wrong.

The whole time I ran the cool blade over his face, I was burdened about lieing to him, breaking rule two, twice. Before he left and after he came back. And he still didn't know. Nomatter what, today I would tell him.

And I did. Before we got into...festivities, I sat him down. I could tell that he was worried. I told him. Asked if he loved me, and if he really did trust me. Told him that I loved him, and was sorry. For what? I told him that yeah, we were careful, but not careful enough. He finally got that the trips to the bathroom did not mean that I was sick.

OOOOOOOOO

Sure, I may have been growing bigger, and we wouldn't be able to hide it for much longer, but we could for just a little bit. I wore bigger shirts that hid the bump that was growing. I was talking to Hodges about the case with the six dead showgirls and he asked me if I had ever done the right thing and ever been guilty about it. Yeah. It's sucks.


End file.
